Derrick Rose in Turmoil

Shocking news on Derrick Rose, via The Onion:

"CHICAGO—An NCAA report released Monday alleging altered grades on high school transcripts and a fraudulent SAT exam could forever blemish the record Bulls point guard Derrick Rose achieved during his two semesters at the University of Memphis. "This has disturbing implications for the academic legacy of the Tigers' basketball program and is an upsetting matter for our fans, all of whom would be utterly devastated to learn that a player was admitted to this institution without meeting its minimum scholastic requirements," said University of Memphis spokesperson Henry Jackson, who added that the school has always emphasized education. "That one of his grades in high school might have been changed from a 'D' to a 'C' is a painful thing to hear for all those who followed Rose's grade point average so closely and trusted him to add to the wealth of human knowledge." Rose has also refused to acknowledge accusations that he did not attend any classes during the spring semester of his freshman year. "